Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
