WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
