i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
