so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
