she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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