explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize