ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
