Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
