One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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