my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
