If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I supernannyed him into submission
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
