I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
