I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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