forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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