We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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