just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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