I heard we made out
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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