He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
