4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
