4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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