why didn't you poke me back
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
