What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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