Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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