after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
