i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
