I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
