I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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