The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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