I'm laying in your front yard are you home
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize