I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
