I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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