Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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