It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I need water and some morals
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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