Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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