My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
