Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
