I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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