When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
