you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
