You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize