You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
