if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
