Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize