about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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