I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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