You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
