hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
