The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
