for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
