He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize