Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
