was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
