dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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