dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize