he wants to bone in the snuggie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
His hands were made for my vagina.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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