Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
