I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
