i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
