I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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