Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
