kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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