Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
