this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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