Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
