it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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