In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
