she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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