The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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