Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
