I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
