she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
