thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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