she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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