it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
