My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
