Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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