I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
