Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
